Soap is not a condiment
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
