proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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