What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
