You work out of a Hotel?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
