I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
