Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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