I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
