I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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