Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
