Jerry, you need to find god
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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