Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
