Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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