you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
