I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
