Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
