You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I didn't notice because vodka
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
