Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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