My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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