dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
