FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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