I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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