You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize