a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
