Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
