i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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