my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
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My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm having to shit out rocks
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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