i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
