Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
