just come out here and I will go home with you...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
