I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
