I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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