she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She's the barista slut.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
