the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
