I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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