I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
