new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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