Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
