i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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