after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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