"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
