my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
