hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
