how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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