I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
