u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
