my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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