apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
