She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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