So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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