there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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