I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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