I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
