We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
