More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
