Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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