I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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