You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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